well i was really anxious up until he walked out. his name is Rob. for privacy thats all im sayin. well he took my mom and i in. we just talk for like 20 minuets about my past, and my mom and stuff. then my mom left. he asked more personal things about me, like if i played sports, if i had good friends, if i drank, if i drank alone, if i cut myself, things like that. i answered all but one question honestly. this is somthing i really hate to admit, but i figure it might help some really get to know me, and maybe i can help some other kids goen through this too.
when he asked me if i cut myself, i said no. i said no because, well, i hate admitting it, and i dont think its a problem anymore. when i was really depressed a few months ago (i think about Larry), i did cut self, but never to try and kill myself. it just helped me relieve stress. i cant really explain it. and i never cut deep, just an inch long scratch. i stoped after i felt happy again, maybe 3 weeks later. well i also cut a few days ago, but only one day, and im never doing it again. if i ever do it again while im in therapy, ill tell him i just started and get some help for it, because i dont think its a good habit.
well thats all that really happened. it was only for like 30 or 45 minuets.
i have to start packing tomorrow. im going to a parade in a city thats only an hour or so away. im going with my mom, and her friend, husband, and one son are comming to. the one son is 18. he just came out. maybe it'll be cool talking with him. i was suposed to sleep in the same room with him when my sister was comming, but now she's not so i might be sleeping with my mom. i really dont care what room i sleep in, but itd be cool to finaly tell a guy im gay, and see how much support he's been getting.
thats all for now. i leave you with a funny picture from one of thoes magazines from 20 years ago they have in doctors offices.
Peace!!!
and PS, that was really hard for me to admit so please no one be mad at me!
10 comments:
Mad?? Why would I be mad?? I wish I could hug you and tell you how sorry I am that you felt that bad and did that...
Peter, I know that this was a hard week for you... For me too... I wish that I had seen beyond my anger and disappointment and had realized the awful loneliness in you before I finally did... I want you to remember what we talked about a long while back... I want to help you, not hurt you. If you feel like I caused you to cut yourself, you need to tell me... The last thing I want to do, is to hurt you, little man... :' ( luv, tman<3
i dont know, i just dont wana stop feeling happy, and so far, the only thing that ruins my happiness is anger.
you dident cause me to cut myself. it was my decision.
i dident mean for it to sound like that. it wasent only you. i was just under alot of stress, ya know?
I'm still sorry that you felt so bad, kid... I wish we lived closer... I hate this internet stuff that connects people, just not enough, sometimes... Listen, if you ever feel like that again, I want you to call a time out or something, and tell me what was going on, OK?? I mean it!! I'm heading off to bed now... it's been a really long day... I have a long story to tell you, probably tomorrow, but, I'm way too tired to start now... I hope you sleep well, and dream of hot boys that want you all for themselves... Wait a minute, that was supposed to be MY dream!! lol Sleep tight, kid!! luv, U. T.<3
i will, i promise. =)
haha im waitin for story time UT. hahaha id die for a dream like that tonight.
nighty night!
btw, how was dinner?
Peace!
I'm stuffed like a pig... I had a big helping of fudge brownies with ice cream on top, later, too!! OMG... it was SO good!! Well, after not eating or a full day, my tennis shoes were starting to look appealing!! lol Good night, kid!! luv, U.T.<3
Hi Spys,
I am certainly glad to hear you have started therapy. I didn’t realize you were so troubled. I think you should tell the therapist about your previous cutting episodes. He probably needs to know it to help you. I’m amazed he asked you that question. It must be a lot more common than I realized. Actually, I guess that until recently I didn’t know that anyone had a tendency to do that. I know I never did. It’s hard for me to picture that cutting oneself can make one feel better. It certainly doesn’t sound like a good habit. To me, cutting hurts! I do it too often by accident.
There is certainly no reason for anyone here to be mad at you for saying what you did. All you will get from us is sympathy and understanding. And maybe a little advice.
I’m curious to know what he had to say about drinking, and especially drinking alone. Did he ask about pot or other drugs? Were you honest about him about these things?
Hey, it’s really neat you are going to have the opportunity to talk with a gay guy only a couple of years older than you. I hope you can get some time alone together so you can talk freely. He probably can give you some good advice and information since he’s probably gone through some things already that you have yet to face.
Have you told your therapist yet that you think you are gay? Has he asked you about this?
I hope things continue to go good for you. I will certainly be watching to read more of what is going on in your life.
Best wishes,
Brian
Tman, AHH! your making me hungary! haha im envious!
Brian, i probably should tell him, but as long as they dont come back, i dont think i need to. and thats one of thoes things they would tell your parents, and i really dont need them worying about me with things like knives at dinner. and yeah, only 2 of my other friends have told me they cut, and only you guys know i have. its more of a stress relief for me. but i have other, more practical ways to relieve stress, like lifting weights haha.
he dident give me any advice on drinking, i think he'll cove that after we get past the starting period, like how the first week of school is never really that important for grades (unless you had summer reading =P). he did ask, but i kinda dident want that to get all the attention in the post. i told him that i did drink, and i did smoke, but never drinking alone. and he asked when the last times were too, and i was honest.
i really hope i can get some alone time with him too. im looking forward to it now. its funny too because im going to have to face 3 things that make me anxious at that perade too. attention (were sitting in VIP), military (the other kids dad i high up and will probably wear his uniform), and strangers (iv never met this family).
i dident tell him im gay yet. dident seem like the right time. he did ask if i had a girl friend or significant other though. i told him no haha
Peace
Hi there, Spys
*hugs*
Many thanks for posting this. I know it must have been difficult for you; I hope it has helped you to say it - I know it has helped me to understand you better. No, I'm not mad at all - just saddened that things were so bad for you that self-harm was your only outlet. Like Brian, I think you should tell your therapist - he needs to understand you too, and I'm sure he's used to people who don't feel able to tell him everything first time round. As for what he will tell your parents, you may remember some discussion on Gabe's blog about this when he first started seeing his therapist. Ask him about confidentiality, about what he will tell your parents. He ought to answer honestly, because for the therapy to work, he needs you to trust him.
I hope the parade goes well, and I look forward to hearing about it. How about asking to share a room with your mom's friend's son? It will mean you have a lot more opportunities to talk in private.
*hugs*
Mark
hey man I just found ur blog and read it all start to finish today ... this is some powerful post - it's great you are seeking someone who can listen and (hopefully) not judge whatever you tell him ... there's so much release in sharing what's going on and what scares you and what excites and motivates you with someone else ... why would anyone here be mad? I know a few guys who cut or have cut in the past, it's not something I understand very well but believe me it's nothing for any of us to be mad at
reach out if you ever want to chat - email is on my profile page
Mark, i know i shoudl tell him, i just dont want to. im ok opening all of my other secrets, except this one. even my one friend, who cut for a long time, and knows everything about, i still cant tell her. my therapist told me if i was hurting myself, or somone else was hurting me, hed tell my parents for my own safety.
Goleftat, i said that because i was scared. i felt like a little kid. i dident know what else to say. and ill keep your email in mind. if you ever wana talk to me, mines in my profile too.
Peace
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