Break down?

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ok, so last night was... well we'll call it interesting. i was watching skins until maybe 1 or 1:30 AM. i finished season 1. during the last episode, everyone was smoking, and well, it made me wana smoke, so i did.

i went outside and finished my last black and mild. when i say last, i dont mean im gona stop, i mean finished that last one i had on me. only got maybe 8-12 puffs, so there wasent much. but while i was smoking, i got really lonely feeling. not because of the tobacco, but because i watch shows with gay guys on them, like skins, or degrassi, and they always seem to find other gay guys, and they have straight guys as friends too. i only know one openly gay person in my town, and hes goen off to college, so im alone in this town...

when i got lonely, i texted everyone. Celie, Emily, Megan, and Sara. no one replied... then, when i went to get rid of the filter, Celie textd me back. i told her i was lonely, and just wanted to talk. she is always comforting, saying things like baby, hun, and stuff like u shouldnt have to feel this pain. it normally helps.

well we were talking, and i told her how i wanted to tell Peter im gay. she supported me, but understood when i said i wasent going to because he is one of my closest guy friends. but i also told her about my moms disappointment in somthing i dident even choose, my sexuality. i probably cried for 30 minuets outside. i finaly stoped when i heard the bats churping, or whatever sound they make. it really calmed me down. i dont know why, but i just stoped crying.

i came back in at like 2 and went to bed. that was my weird break downish night.

i also talked to my mom last night about me moving into the basment because its A) colder at night (which i need), and B) bigger. she really liked the idea, and said we could do it in 2 weeks when she has some free time. im excited because the work out equipment is down there along with my drum set, and some couches and a TV. im hoping ill wake up, look at the tredmil, and wana run in the morning. then practice my drums, and relax, all in my room haha.

Peace!

PS this is my dog, Scooter. he's a West highland white terrior. he's 9 i think. sorry he looks scruffy, we need to get him groomed.

4 comments:

JJ said...

Just a short one to let you know I do read the blogs. Even on Vacation. Just got back a while ago from a 3 day 2 night campout with friends. It was pretty cool and we did a lot fishing while we was there. But I think we went swimming more then we fished. It was a lot fun and this trip here has been pretty good. I got a lot things to make in a post to.

I really don't know what to do about when I get lonely except to come on the MSN and see if there is someone to talk to maybe Mike is with me and that helps a lot. I hate to have to hide all the time. Just about my whole family knows I am gay now, and 8 friends I know also know I am. But there is still a lot my friends that are straight I would like to tell to. But Like you, I don't want to lose them as friends. So I am not saying anything right now. Maybe by the time I am your age I wont care no more who does or doesn't know. I shall wait and see. Hugs JJ

Spys89 said...

hey JJ, i heard about your vacation. sounds like you had alot of fun! im glad =) cant wait for your post on it.

haha i hope your still blogging when your my age. id love to see how things pan out for you.

Peace

Anonymous said...

Don't be sad... Get glad... OOPS!! Actually, I think that was a commercial ditty... stuck in my head... cute pooch!! I love dogs!! Usually bigger dogs, but, still...
You know, kid, it seems like it's pretty important to you to have a guy to talk to about your sexuality... I agree, by the way... I mean, I think that it helps you, even coming here, to talk about this stuff, even if we've never met. Why do you feel so certain that your friend Peter will not accept you, if you tell him?? From everything I remember, it seems like it's more of an impression, not particularly based on any facts. If it was me, I think I might think about that, a little more. I know these things are difficult, and, you need to strike the proper balance, but, everything good in life has a certain risk attached to it. Sometimes, it takes a leap of faith... OOPS!! there's that word, again!! lol I wonder if it might be worth the risk??
Treadmill, huh?? Well, that's convenient...lol... Just make sure that it'll be warm enough in the winter... Oh, and, make sure that there's a CO detector down there, also!! Extremely important, if your heating equipment is in the basement, too!! luv, tman<3

Anonymous said...

Your basement plan sounds like a good one. We all need a change every now and then to keep life interesting.

Please give up that smoking.

Best wishes,
Brian

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