ok, so thurs after school, i was hangin in the cafateria until 5:30. it wasent that bad. Dave and another kid from the trip were sitting with me. we were talking about the trip alot. also, we figured out the 3 of us want to go back next year.
i have been wondering if it will be like the same expirence as the last one. new people, new places, and people can change. i dont think it will be. and me, the pesimist, is wondering if it will be worst. i really hope it the same, even though i know it wont be.
there are some people i knew id still talk to when i got back, like Oliver and Dave, but there are otheres i dident think would talk to me. everytime i see Rob he says hey. it cool.
next subject haha i have a really hard time calling somone my friend. not that im a snob, but i wonder if they consider me a friend. im weird i know. anyone else like or was like this?
Peace!
And So It Goes (2014)
9 years ago
9 comments:
Hey kid, WTF are you doing to me tonight?? lol You have MORE stuff bobbing around in your brain, and now my fingers are falling off from all this typing!!! lol
It would be a BIG mistake to assume that next year would be the same as this year... just as big a mistake to assume that you wouldn't have even MORE fun, and run into even nicer guys, and have the best experience yet!! Never shut the door on opportunity!! I'm telling you- some of the coolest people that I've ever met, I met at spur-of-the-moment events, or in doing the most mundane things!! That's the beauty in all this, you see!! Too many people expect so much from life, but they're really not willing to get out there so that the opportunity can 'find' them!! I can't remember who I scolded recently on this same issue, but I think I told him that a cute boy wasn't likely to fall out of a passing airliner and blast through his roof and onto his bed, so he needed to get out there and into the 'hunt' as I call it... All right, maybe that sounds a little neanderthal, but, I still believe it!!
Oh, and stop calling yourself weird!! That can become a self- fulfilling prophesy, and you are not weird!! You are inexperienced in the ways of the world, like virtually all your friends, and you need to start opening yourself up to the possibility that really nice kids will like the real you!! Stop hiding behind this delusion of weirdness, and get out there and show people the real you!! Dedicate the year ahead as your time to assert yourself and leave the loneliness and sadness behind... The world is there, ahead of you, ripe, and ready for the picking, if you have the balls and don't kowtow to the people that have labeled you because of the past... Time to stand your ground, like you did on the trip, and start to make a difference, for yourself and everyone else!! luv, tman<3
thanks Tman! i understand i need to go out and expirence the world, but its alot easier to stay in my confort zone. and its also alot easier to describe myself as weird then as cool or fun. if i said i was cool, eather somone would agree or put me down. atleast if i say im weird, i already set myself up to be put down and ill expect it, or somone will bring me up. Peace!
I know EXACTLY why you feel that way, so I'm going to let you in on a little history of my own experiences...
I think that you know a little about my childhood... I have revealed a tiny bit, in pieces, at various blogs that I comment on, including today, when I recounted a revealing story from my past @ a new blog from Scotland... OK, it's 'horny hardgayboy' blog... You're too young to go there, so, don't even think about it!!!!!!!!!!! lol hmmm...
Anyways, the first part of my teenage years (from age 13-16) I spent basically terrified... of who I realized, I had become, and of what the world said constantly about my type of person... I worried about what could happen if my 'secret' was revealed... I worried that I would lose the love of everyone that mattered in my life... I worried that noone would care, even if I offed myself!! Yeah, every kid goes there, at least once, in his life!! I remember walking home from school/library one day when I was 14, and after researching some more about the meaning of my sexuality... I had been at this research from age 11 or so- as soon as I was allowed into the adult section of the library.... Well, actually before> I sneaked into the stacks at age 9 and was caught, going thru a medical textbook, trying desperately to understand the meaning of 'homosexuality'.
Anyways, my 'protection' in those days, was to hide behind my shyness... I was not really shy inside, but, was acknowledging the distain of the world for me by remaining silent to most of the people that I didn't have in my inner circle... continued in part 2- Blogger is a pain in the ass with long comments...
part 2... lol
As a result, everyone started to regard me as a wall flower- unapproachable and unfriendly to a certain degree, although I had very close, dear friends that I shared certain things with...
Then, one day, about the beginning of junior year, I had reached some important conclusions about myself, my deep connection to God, through my faith in His unshakable love for me, and my future place in this world and my reason for being here... I decided at that moment, that I had enough of the nonsense, and people treating me like a 2nd class citizen, so I dedicated the remainder of my high school years to showing the doubters around me that I counted... Not just in sports, but everywhere... I demanded respect for my viewpoints, and started participating in classroom discussions on all topics, and people took notice!! My teachers beamed at the 'new' me, and took credit for my transformation. My circle of friends got larger, and I often heard how people that I didn't know, or care about, had noted the 'change' in me... hmmm... f*ck them all!!! lol I didn't do it for them... I did it for myself and my own right to a place in this world!!
Suddenly, I was a hot commodity, which created other problems (why are girls so attracted to gay guys?? lol), but I learned how to fend those problems off, and I was now at least recognized as a mover and shaker, and not as a pathetic wallflower... Hey, what's the worst that could have happened, I ask you?? I asked myself that, and the best I could come up with was- 'someone will laugh!' Too fu*kin' bad!! lol
Let them all laugh, kid, till they're all laughed out and bored with their pathetic little games... You are becoming a man now, and it's time to piss on that tree and stake your claim... NOTHING can stop you, but YOU!!! luv, tman<3<3
haha wait im confused... you want me to piss on people? haha jkjk
i know what you mean though. my only fear about that is looseing my friends. i still dont even feel confortable calling them friends. the ones i can call my friends (like Sara) im fine with. its the otheres at school
hey kid, forget about following the thread to that blog I described... Seems like the blogger thought I was too prolific with my comments, after complaining, like 3 days ago, that nobody was commenting... lol So, I tried to help him out with a story about my youth... he then accused me of stealing his story (huh???) and said I was blocked!!! OMG... lol I guess there's a lesson there, somewhere... I must have spent an hour, trying to post the comment, because it WAS long, in my useless attempt to help this new blogger out... The only thing I can figure out, is that he was feeling threatened, altho I had commented before and he supposedly 'loved' it...
Well, like I've said before... Sometimes, there's NO accounting for people!!! lol luv, tman<3 I deleted my comments there....
Hey, I just noticed that you posted a comment as I was trying to do the same thing... No, you little maniac... piss on the figurative tree- you know, the one that every man pisses on to stake his claim!!! lol
haha there are some people out there that really need to figure out that your only trying to help out.
and ok, ill wait till i have to go ; )
wiseguy!! lolol...
haha =P
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