Philosophies From A Kid

Christmas day is so much better. Thanks for the support guys! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Peace!

the c in christmas apparently stands for crying. everyone in my house is crying right now.

im sorry im so emotional right now... and a warning, im going to be brutaly blunt and honest. i dont want anyone reading this before they celibrate with there family. for you holly readers, pray for me... even if i dont believe in it, it cant hurt right?

we just got back from a party. it was fun until we left.

my mom claimes she had 2 glasses of wine. shes a light weight anyway, and i think it was more like 3-4. shes sluring and stumbling. i said mom, let me drive. she wont let me.

i get in the car, and my sister and i were pissed off the whole time. my sister drank there too, but was sober enough to realize im the obvious choise as a driver.

before we get home, my sister and i are teaming up on my mom, shouting things like why would u want to drive drunk? especialy when ur sons sober?!

not to mention i was affraid of crashing, on top of that i had so much anxiety from the fear of us getting pulled over. litteraly i had to grab the seat infront of me to let a little pressure out.

we get home and my sister mutters to me "another christmas, im crying, moms crying, and dads not here"

now im crying...

corection, now im gona go smoke (cigar not weed) my feelings away and hope tomorrows a little better.

Peace!

am merry fuckin christmas...

so... today is christmas eve day? somthing like that haha. well i got up, went to the mall, and quickly got Megan a scarf. she got me somthing so i figured id get her somthing too haha. now im home and relaxing before tonight. were going to a party. story time!

so during my 6th and 7th grade summer, my mom, sister, and i took a trip with my moms best friend and her 3 kids. 2 girls (twins) and 1 son, gay. nothing ever happened, and i dident even know i was gay back then.

so now, i havent seen him in 4 years. should be interesting haha

now for my xmas rant.

i dont understand christmas. i mean i understand the theory, but not the practice. if people believe in the biblical stories, then they should know christ wasent born in december. if they dont believe in the biblical stories, then why are they celebrating christmas?

the reason it got to be on the date it courently is, is because of a few reasons:
pegan holiday (easier to convert if holidays match up)
brings light into one of the darkest times of the year

im sure there are more reasons, but thats all i know of haha

and gifts for each other? as far as i know, the only symbalism that could come from that is the magi?

idk... just seems funky to celebrate somones birthday on a day that they almost definatly werent born on...

but i still love the holiday! or atleast what its become in todays society

hop ethis dosent make anyone mad, just tryen to get people thinking. thats everyone for reading!!! and i wish you guys, and your families, a very merry christmas!!! (or Quanza/Honica!!!)

PS sorry for the spelling slaughters haha

Peace!!!!!

so i should post, but i really dont have anything to say...

i need to go xmas shopping for my sis still.

tomorrow im going roller skating with my aunt and 2 cousins.
im going to dinner with my grandmother tonight.

for anyone who likes hip-hop, check out Chris Webby! idk if anyone here does, but hes great. hes the better Sam Adams.

um... yeah... sorry thats it! im sure my life will get way more exciting in a couple of days. my sister might take me to get my ears pierced just to piss off my mom. its kinda a joke though. like its not mean spirited. she just hates me talking about wanting to get a piercing. i figure ear would be a good place because it heals very well/fast.

alrighty.

oh im pissed! you may remember me talking about the show skins? well if you dont know, its coming to America, but the gay character, Maxxie, is going to be a lesbian! WTF?!?!?

ok

Peace!

im flipping out over my computer. i still have 2 months of warenty left if need be, but i wana fix the peace of shit... i dont think thats the right peace. are there 2 peaces?

anyway, i keep getting the BSOD with different STOP codes... makes no sence. i have my recovery disc's too, but cant even get to a point where id be able to boot them. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

now my dads gf is comin over to make us some crab dip, maranara, and "we can make cookies, and snuggle" ELF

idk what to think about that.

oh last night! wtf... so my friend and i went to pick up a 12 pack, and on our way there, we almost died. well not really but whatev. my friend goes "they dont trap here, speed up" so now im going 40 on a 15 turn, hit a patch of ice, spun purpindicular to the road, then headed for a sigh, quick right, carlength away from a car at a stop sighn, then i finaly hit pavment, and stoped. holy shit my hearts still racing today hahaha. i learned my leason, or acouple of them. dont speed, dont speed in the winter, dont speed around turns, dont listen to your idiot friends haha

then we get home, and Peter comes over. we had a good time hangin out. dicked around until like 2. then we start calling people. somhow we get from calling 2 girls, to calling a guy we all know but havent seen in atleast 2 year, well turns out this guy is sleeping at a kids house thats a 4 minuet drive away. there like lets go, your driving. i was like wait, its not happening. my cars in the garage and my mom sleeps right under the garage. its not happenin. they put up a fit and i was like no. well both these guys know i have anxiety and they were like if it was at one of our houses you know youd be down, which is true, but i still said no. then they decided they were going to jog over to the 2 girls, which is a 15 minuet car ride. its now like 330. i was like you guys have fun, im goin to bed, so i did haha

they left and were back at 4. that was my night. no turtle =( once i can legaly drive people i told them were getin a fricken turtle.

so the theropist... i dont like telling straight guys im gay... it just never seemed like a good idea. but now i wana tell him, but i hate the steriotypes that go along with it. he'll get the wrong idea about me. he'll think im in an all guys school because im a perv. look id rather go to a public school, but my parents wont let me. idk... hopefully it'll come out at some point.

alright, that was long haha im energetic for some reason. wish me luck with my dumb computer =P

Peace!!!

i hate my computer! haha im having the worst time trying to fix it. i got the blue screen of death everytime i turn it on. its so frusterating! haha oh well it just a regestry error so i may be able to fix it, it will just take alot of time. plz be patient until i get back. ill try and blog from other computers and my phone, if its not being stupid haha.

so exams sucked! i mean i breezed through english, us history, and algebra 2, but bombed genetics, religion, and buisness/finance.

so now im on break! and my sisters coming home tonight! and im going on an adventure with my friends that may result in me gettin a pet turtle haha. dont ask =P

still havent told my theropist im gay... he was asking if i had a girlfriend and i was like nope. he was like im sure there girls at thoes bonfires you go to. i was like yup but there taken. then time was up. i think hes gona ask about it next time, and i might tell him. i mean i want to tell him, but im always overly cautious about telling guys. we'll see

Peace!

no clue whats been happenin. im pretty sure my phone bloggers messed up. sorry. well i just finnished 2 of my 6 exams. wish me luck for tomorrow. ps january = best month for TV, skins and shameless are coming to the US
WIN!!!
Peace!

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So bad news guys. My comp is broken... Again... So no posts for about a week till i get some time to fix. Sorry!
Peace!

geeze, my week haha. its been a while. iv been so buissy with everything from prepairing for midterms, to managing my swim team. yeah i dont think i told u guys, im gona manage my swim team and rugby team too.

so bonfire last night. that was fun haha. i went and picked garry up from work. then we drove around trying to find somone to get alchohol from. then we parked, and like 20 minuets later, a younger couple parked next to us, so Garry asked if theyd get us some stuff and they said yes. so then we drove to a gas station to stock up on cigars. then i left my car there and got into one of our friends cars. then we headed over to a pig slaughtering house cuz they have old wood behind it so we stocked up and then went to the kids dads house and got the fire pit. headed back to the kids moms house droped everything off, and he drove me back to my car. then i fallowed him to his moms house where we started the fire.

i told my mom i was spending the night this time because i never could before. she said ok, be good, and make good choices. i dident haha not gona lie, or sugar coat it. i know this will make people disapointed, but its what happened. i took a shot as a warm up, and only had like 2 more shots throughout the night. barely tipsy. i dont like getting too hammared to the point where i dont know whats happening, so i dident let my self even get close to it.

only 2 girls puked this time so not too bad haha. we woke up, and i took Garry to breakfast then to his work.

now im home haha.

Peace!

ahh guys! its been wayyyy too long! sorry bout that! my weeks sucked so iv just not been in the blogging mood. but now im done with school till monday.

so dinner with my dads gf. it was awkward to say the least. i mean the girls great, but its still awkward. she loves me so much, and iv only seen her like 4 times.
well we made lobster mac and cheese, ate, and watched elf. both of us love that movie, and my dad dosent, but sence we were both there he watched it. we had a good time. when i went to go to bed it was really awkward because she was spending the night. and waking up was the same thing, but i got through it haha

i cant believe tomorrow is thanksgiving! its crazy! im going to my aunts house tomorrow with my dad, his gf, and her 2 sons (ones a freshmen in highschool and the others 11). first time meeting them, and itll be the familys first time meeting them too. there driving down to my dads then were caravaning to my aunts. idk how its gona go. i hope the kids will fit in with my family for there sake, but theres no garentee with us haha.

well thats really it. Peace!

hey guys, i gota go soon, so ill tell you what my dad did. we were at dinner and i was telling him how its normally for people with learning disabilities to get very frustrated with there parents after school. he said "oh maybe thats the reason your mother wants to move to (blank) after you graduate, to get away from you"
so that just pissed me off.

last night i had dinner with my dad and his girlfriend. ill tell you about that later.

Peace!

Everytime i think my dad and i have a good relationship, he fucks it up... Will we ever be at peace?
Peace!

hey guys! got both UT and Jay's emails. thanks! Jay great movies haha next on my list are just a few christmas specials from cartoons a grew up with like rugrats and rocket power. T, it so great to hear! idk if u wanted it public, but im so happy for you!

so i got yelled at by my VP yesterday. well no i dident haha. my teacher tried to get the VP to yell at me, but it dident work. he basicaly gave me some advice, to do homework now, and relax when im on the honor roll.

the weekendly bonfire was kinda lame. i showed up at 10:50 and left at 11:10... i had to get back to my dads so... yeah haha

dont have much else to talk about. sorry guys haha

Peace!

wow sorry its been so long. man the days are flying by haha. so last weekends bonfire. yes, they are becoming a weekly deal haha. so again, there was alchohol, and i dident drink. i did smoke a cigar or two, but that was it. i had a good time. Garry was there too, and i took him home when i left at 10:30. i though that was the end of my night. it wasent. i stayed up for a while watching tv and just relaxing. i got into my bed at maybe 12:30? well 5 minuets later, Garry calls me. "dude guess what, the bonfire we just left got busted" what?!?!?!? yeah... it got busted. the cop made them pour out all the alchohol, and talked to the parents to make sure they had enough space for all the kids to sleep the alchohol off.

so that was it. well today was weird. kinda happy, kinda sad. one of my 8 classes is graphic design. were working on a project to desighn a website for a fictious company. well i really enjoy the class, and the teachers really cool. we had a class critique, and after class, he pulled me aside to talk. he to the comments i put on another kids website and said "What is this crap?" i just stood there. he replied "your very critical of yourself, which is a good thing, but that ability is lost when you cant be critical of others" he explaind he knew i was self critical because mine was one of the best websites in the class

so i was happy because of his compliment, but i was sad/mad because i feel like i let him down, which pisses me off.

on another note, im going to a basketball game tonight with my dad which should be great haha.

Peace!

so for some reason, i really got into the christmas spirit on friday. i watched nightmare before christmas first, then eight crazy nights. both great movies. i think il watch elf next.

i know is supposed to be x-mas, but my title has a purpose ill tell you guys later. first i wana clear something else. i know alot of you guys reading are religious, but are you the kind of guys who say you shouldent say xmas? because its actually just as correct as saying christmas. "X" is the greek symbol for chi, which when translated, is christ, so just wanted to clear that up.

now the reason i say exmas, is because i hate the holiday. its when my family is under the most stress. i remember crying christmas' and fighting christmas'. its also the biggest reminder my family isent a family anymore.

well, along with my movies, im getting back into the "i hate christmas" songs. like i wont be home for christmas by blink 182. look it up if you havent heard it.

on another note, i got invited to another bon fire like lastweekend. same place and everything. i just dont know if ill go. i want to, but i dont wana spend the night like most of the other guys are. i dont wana drink tonight. im not that comfortable with these guys yet, so i deffinatly dont wana loose control around them. i wana get to the point when ill be able to, i just dont think it'll be tonight. i wana see if Garry is going, and cant spend the night again. itll give me an excuse not to stay.

well see what happens.

Peace!

ugg... no new story... another shitty day...

so i get to school, and i find out one of the kids iv known sence 5th grade is telling people im a pot head. now, dont get me wrong, i smoke weed, not gona try and hide it, but to sugest im a pot head is a huge overstatment. i dont even smoke every weekend. how can i be a pot head?

then my friends tryin to convince me to go on a road trip to a near by college (3 hours away) to party tomorrow night. i said ill have to see.

out final grades for this quarter came out today. mostly b's, one a and one c. another teacher, whos never tought me, comes up and goes "im disapointed in you" i was like why? and she goes "you got a c. thats poor effort". i understand its not my best. but iv never had 8 classes and an honnors class before. its my first c in my highschool career. i dont consider that poor. i told her that and she said shes still disapointed.

then school was over, and as im pulling out of my school, a car going WAY to fast comes over this hill and has to slam on his breaks to avoid me. look, if he was even going 10 over the speed limit, i would have had plenty of room, but nope, he was going atleast 60 in a 30. so when i pulled up the the stop sighn, he rear ends me! i out it in park as he steps out of his car. it was a giant black guy. i rolled down my window and was like "im so sorry" (even though it wasent my fault, i dident want to upset him). he said "you need to pay more attention" i said i know, can i atleast get a handshake? and put my hand out. he slaps my hand and walks away. WTF?!?!?!?

well later on i got out, and theres only a hole from his licens plate screw.

then, as im driving home, i guy starts to change lanes INTO ME. i sped up and honked. he looked, and got back into his lane. no wave or anything. again WFT?!?!?!?!?

ugggggggg... i hate driving now haha

so what do you guys think i should do about the college party. i kinda wana go, and i think ill regret it if i dont, but then again, i dont know if i wana end my hell week like this.

Peace!

so, Peter fell through. the party got cancled cuz the girls house who it was gona be at, he parents found out... so no party. instead, i drove around Garry, one of our friends, his girlfriend, and another chick. the other friend and his girl friend were hooken up the whole time,so it was an early night for me haha, but im not regretting it. i got closer to Garry and the other friend. so that was friday.

saturday was fun too. Garry asked if i wanted to go to a bon fire. i said sure, so we drove there and helped set up. i only knew Garry and another kid (not the guy from the night b4 haha). it was a little awkward, but i talked to a few people and had a good time. i was a little bummed to be honest though. Garry, and just about everyone else was drinking, and i had to drive, so i dident even have a sip of everything. i HATE drunk drivers, and as controversial as i am in most things, thats one thing i agree with. i will never drink and drive. i did however smoke a cigar, but way b4 i drove, and i figured one every once in a while isent so bad. havent smoked a cig though.

then sunday, HALLOWEEN! i hung out with Megan and a bunch of her friends. just walked around and trick or treated haha.

so maybe it wasent such a great post, but it was such a fun weekend haha

Peace!

hey guys, im so sorry! its late here and i gota go to bed, but i have a good post comin up bout my weekend haha.

Peace!!!

so today was lame, so im just gona skip to the philosophy.

idk how many of you guys are familiar with Nietzsche, and/or his philosophies, but a few days ago i stumbled across one of his thoughts. it is that God is dead. now, please dont be offended by this.

"God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?"
—Nietzsche, The Gay Science

i wana hear what you guys think of this. i was talking to one of my teachers about this, and he wrote it off as another one of Nietzsche's drunkin rambles. i say its more than that. i say he meant that the thought of God is dead, that we have progressed in sciences enough to no longer need God. religions were created for 3 things: to explain the unexplainable, to conect a mass group of people, and to give hope.

now that our society is conectable through phones/computers, science can explain theories for everything, and we should be able to get hope from our government. the only purpose of God now is to suply hope, and definite answers to what science has theories to.

now, i disagree with Nietzsche. God is not dead. however, He is dieing. he will cling onto life until Science has definite answers, or atleast stronger theories, and until governments take away our need for hope.

lets hear what you guys have to say!

Peace!

so please guys, dont judge me in your comments about this post because i know it seems like im irresponsible, but when im full awake and in tact, im not a bad driver.

so this morning, i woke up, had a head ache. i said oh well i still have to get up. got dressed, all ready to leave, go up the stairs, and trip. FML. got in my car (its maybe 5:50 at the latest). i throw in reverse, and let me foot off the break. well as im backing out, my mirror gets caught on my garage wall, it bends back, and snaps in half. its not that bad. no urgency in getting it fixed like my wheel was. i figure ill ask for a mirror from santa ;).

so im driving, and apparently i dident get the memo that traffic was gona suck on tuesday.

get to school, got my homework done. go to classes. right after lunch time, when im most cranky, one of my teachers takes it upon himself to tell me im gona have to have a meeting with one of the vice principles. this vice was the teacher of my SAT prep class yesterday. the vice told this teacher that i was dragging in class. look, the headache i had this morning, was from yesterday. and the math were going over from SAT is easy as anything! no challenge! of course im not gona be too pumped about baby math.

so i asked if that was the only reason i had to meet with him. its not. apparently i also have 1 c. now, i understand one c, 6 b's, and 1 a isent up to my par, but do i really need to have a meeting about it?!?!? im still doing above average, wether its the best of my ability or not, its above the gpa of an average student!!!

so i got yelled at by that teacher, went into another teachers room, who got a phone call from the last teacher, and she starts yelling at me! i listened until she took a breath then left.

as im leaving this building, the women in charge of the testing center for us dyslexic's shouted to me "i need to tell you somthing". i said i just got yelled at by 2 teachers. she said "have a nice day" and smiled. that was the one nice thing that happened in my day.

then school was over, and on my way home, the car in front of me to the lane over decides to come into my lane without looking in his blind spot, which is exactly where i was. so i swerved into the next lane, and everything was fine. now im at home and just pissed about my day.

Peace!!!

so i just finished up a lunch with my drum teacher. he said he was hungary after our lesson and then told me his next lesson wasent showing and wanted to know if i wanted to grab a bite to eat with him. i said sure.

so we get there, he askes how schools goin, i told him bout my c in religion, he asked why i have a c, i told him cuz im an athiest (kiddin around)

then we talked about if there was a God and all this stuff. i was really happy to have a discussion like this. i love these tryes of things.

well anyway, almost got beat up by a biker on thursday. i stoped to let a person in the shared left turn lane in because the traphic was slow infront of me. well there were three bikers behind me. oh i stoped at the top of a hill. to the bikers came over the hill really fast, and had to slam on there breaks. one of them stalled out. now i understand there frustration, but first, you shouldent be speeding over a blind hill, and secound, you shouldent be mad at me because you stalled out.

in your guys oppinion, did i do anything wrong?

well after we started to move, one of the guys was on my ass, so i took a turn, and while i was waiting to go, the guy on my ass shouted somthing on me, and one of his friends gave me the finger.

so thats it for this post haha

Peace!

so, im finaly making a philosophical post. im hoping to be posting alot, maybe even day to day, and nothing too interesting happened today. so i figured, why not make a philosophical post?

so im posting about ethical egoism. this theory was brought to my attention by the new teacher i posted about a while back. he also brought up absurdism, which ill cover later. well i dont remember how we got on this topic, but we were talking about motives. i said that everyone should be motivated to make themselves better. he said somthing like so are the people who sacrifice there lives for others wrong for doing that? i said no, because they get joy from doing that, or have some other motif. he said, and i quote, "ahh, that my friend is called ethical egoism"

now, i had never heard of this "ethical egoism" so of course, he explained it to me in more detail, which included an explanation of altruism. haha i may consider myself an aspiring philosopher, but i have yet to take a class in philosophy, so im not too aware of many of the beliefs.

he even gave me an example of altruism, the lemmings. once the population count gets too high, herds of them will run off cliffs to try and keep the population level even.

we debated for a little, but then i had to leave. iv sence been thinking about this though of ethical egoism. it seems to make sence to me, and its relieving that i can be labled and "ethical egoist" and find others with the same thought pattern as me.

i just wana hear what you guys have to say about this.

Peace!

Dubito ergo Cogito

ugh, i hate what my blogs become. its more of a constant update. im fine with that, but i intended for this to be a journal, mixed with a may to get my mind thinking. i havent made a philosophical post in a LONG time. im sorry guys!

well i finaly have my computer back so hopefully that will change soon.

geeze so much has happened lately.

so last week, i was in a parking lot, pulling through a spot (you know, when theres 2 spots open in front of each other, and you drive through the first one to make it look like you backed into the one you parked in)and my mirror hits the other cars mirror. it bends back, and startles me. i keep driving. i then stoped, and looked at the mirror. no one saw me hit it, and it only bent inward. no dammage done to that persons mirror, and jsut a small smudge on mine, which i can fix when i get more time. so anyway, im driving, trying to do a u'ie in the parking lot, mind clouded with wethor or not i should leave a note, and *scratch, bang, pop*. i drove up on a curb, back down, and poped my tire. KARMAS A BITCH!!! so im stuck there staring at the car i just hit. well one thing led to another, and i got a company to help my put my doughnut on and drove it to my dads, who helped me get a new tire.

and the next morning, i had court.

it went well. we drove 2 and a half hours (we as in my dad, i, and my aunt [lawyer]) we get there, get lost with minuets to spare, find the court, and are late, but my aunt called ahead to warn them. so i get up to the front when im called, make my plea, and get the ticket reduced to a 74 in a 65, it was 86 in a 65. the fine was still almost 300, but im happy.

then we took my aunt out for lunch as a thank you, and i had a good time.

last weekend, i hung out with Peter, and i will say, its the first time iv spent the night at somones house and been sober the whole night.

i had a good time, and got an invite to a part on the 29th. should be cool even though ill only know 2 people at this party.

thats really it. im glad i could get all this out haha.

thanks for stayen loyal guys!

Peace!!!

ok guys,so this isent the post i wana make, but it'll come sooner or later. i wana update you guys, but i dont have enough time for it now. i do wana know somthing for future reference though

what movies or shows are there with gay teenagers in them? like skins, shameless, degrassi, ect

thanks guys!

Peace!

Hey guys, sorry i havent posted latly. The day i was gona, i found out about Timmy...='( i might post later today but no prommisses. Love u guys!

hey guys, i wana post so bad! but my computers still out gettin fixed... my next post probably wont be until my court date just to let you guys know. for privecy issues, im not gona post the day of, so it may take a little while. please bear with me. just for the record, still clean!

Peace!

so i've made it another day without smoking, and guess what, it sucks. i guess i should have known what it would. haha if i knew it was gona suck stoping, i probably wouldent have started. i cant imagine what it would have been like if i smoked more. so its been 9 day according to Jay.

all i can say is how can you not want to smoke when you see these pictures:

Up until now, quitting really wasent that hard. But now, i really want a cig. Im gona go hang with Megan. Hopefully shell keep my mind off smoking

so guys, im sorry (for the BILLIONTH time) its been so long. i really wanted to make my next post from my own computer, but its taking longer than i though. they had to ship it away for a new hard drive. crashed that bad boy in 3 days! new record! yay me haha but its in now, and i have to drop off some CD's with back ups and stuff, theyll load it all up, and i should get it back on saturday.

anyway, my whole weeks been shit. in history, were talking about how tobacco saved the first american colonies... FML. perfect timing haha. and on top of that, iv been stressed as anything. iv missed so much school lately. last friday and monday, and i took today off too. ill explain that later. all my make up works stressing me out, and i have no way to deal with it anymore. its not fun.

so yeah, i missed school today. this is discusing, so you may want to skip this part haha. both my big toes have ingrown toe nails. i had to go to the doctors yesterday. well i took off monday because i was soo sleep deprived from the college trip (ill tell you guys bout that too later =P) and i went to my normal doctor, who sent me to a foot doctor. so i went yesterday thinking that he'd tell me whats wrong, and set up another day for the "proceger". well no, he goes "thoes are really infected. lay down." then he walked back out, faxed my mom a paper, she sighned it, and he walks in and goes "its is cold. it will help you with the local anestizia." i was like what!?!? hes like its 4 shots, then sprays me with the cold stuff and sticks me. its wasent fun. haha but when he was done with my toes, he bandaged them up and drew smiley faces on them haha.

after that i shoed up late to the water polo games. we won both. after that, i got my hair cut, then we went out for dinner. and as we were leaving, the feeling came back to my foot. it was hell! it felt like a steam roller went over my toes.

but anyway, im better now =) i just couldent walk all day at school. im deffinatly going tomorrow though. and there a peprally! im pumped.

so college, or university to you UK guys. it was cool seeing my sister. shes a junior transpher, so she only had a few friends, and only knew the campus so far. we showed up, and she picked us (my mom and i) up from the airport. then she showed us around the colleges. mostly the frats haha. we ate dinner at the college, then hung outside her dorm building. i we met one of her friends, who a gay guy. kinda cute, but hes a sophtmore so... yeah haha.

the next day we went shoping at a giant mall. i got a few things, but it then we left. we really dident do much that day. kinda lame haha.

no parties for me. my sister said she was sorry she couldent take me to any parties, but she dident know the guys well enough to just have her brother show up at a party. i understood.

then we left. haha i t was good to see her again.

thats all for today guys. Peace!!!

ok guys, so i know this will sound totaly hipocritical, but whne i said i had my last cig, i lied. not on purpose, but it happened that way. i said that when i still had a pack left. well i called my friend over to give him the pack, and he talked me into smoking one last one. he said hed quit too if i smoked one. so i did. then i gave him my pack, and he said hes give it to his friend. so that was my last one. i figured out its be hard to quit if i still had a pack left, so i got rid of it. i hope you guys arent disopointed, but im done for real this time.

no i gota pack to go to visit my sister at her college.

Peace!

ok, so i think most of you guys have heard by now. i smoked my last cig 3 hours ago. im done. ill explain...

so me and Peter were talking. i was telling him how i hate smoking. he asked why i did it. i said its a bad habit. i dident want to tell him the truth. its a way for me to deal with stress. my past record is now bad for managing stress haha. well i really need to find a way to deal now. any sugestions?

peter told me he wanted me to stop. this is the first time somone in real life has told me this. i guess it just clicked. i dont want it to sound like i was ignoring you guys, but it just dident make sence back then. i dont think hes into me, which i dont care about. i mean friends with drunk benefits is ok with me =P but i told you guys id stop with telling you about drinking. just for the resord though, i havent smoked weed in a month, and i havent drank in longer. but thats the last time ill post about that stuff (i hope).

so its cool somone close to me cares like that. its gona be so hard though. i got into a reutine already. i come home, take my dog out, smoke, do homework. thats that way its been this year. im goan have to make a new rutiene. (trying different spellings in hopes ill spell it right once =P). also, my mom smokes, so when im at her house, i sit and talk with her when shes smoking.

i picked up this stress reliefe habit from her. its what she does, so i guess i copied. idk. i just hope im done.

Peace!

PS new hollywood crush Chord Overstreet from GLEE!

alos PS, in Waterpolo, the JV captin looks like Tom Daley but with more stubble, and a little shorter. love that kid =P

Hey. I know i said i wouldebt talk bout this, but i need to quit smokibg cigs. Peter told me he wanted me to... So im gona try. Ill need ur guys help though

hey guys, so wow its been some time. sorry about that. most days i havent had a computer, and the days i have had one, i pass out on my couch before i even start my computer.

last night i came home after water polo (ill explain later) and it was 8. i had such a bad migrain, i could do nothing but fall asleep, so i did. 8-5:30. great sleep haha. i think i had the migrain for a few reasons. 1)i hadent eaten all day 2)late nights doing homework 3)storm. u guys might not understand that one. im hyper sensitive to pressure changes, and a storm is a high pressure meating a low pressure system, so its like hell for me haha. to be honest, i dont even know how i got home. i was swerving because of the pain. it was the worste pain iv felt in a LONG time.

well water polo! my honors genetics teacher is also the coach for the water polo team. he said he still dident have a manager, and if anyone wanted to do it, to tlk to him after class, so i did. i need somthing to get involved because of the lack of extracuriculars. i figured itll help my socialize, help my college posabilities, and help me get to know the hot gus ;P and there are alot of them!

ok gtg.

Peace!!!

Hey guys, i feel so bad for not posting. Iv really wanted to but no computer. So just a quick one, i might be the team manager for our water polo team. PEACE!

Hey guys, i feel so bad for not posting. Iv really wanted to but no computer. So just a quick one, i might be the team manager for our water polo team. PEACE!

so, school sucks. its the reason i havent posted lately. i go to school, come home, nap, eat, then sleep. thank you school.

well im not going this friday (tomorroe) because i have to go to my grandmothers 75th. 5 hour drive with my mom, aunt, and my moms friend/uncles girlfriend. oh and my dog. hellow ipod and pillow, good by girls.

its not gona be fun, especialy sence i hate that side of the family. ill try and blog while im there. wish me luck!

Peace!

hey guys, dont have long cuz im at my dads. i cant answer the comments yet, but ill get to them =)

so yesterday i went over to my dads house. he told he about how one of his clients was turning 55 today, and wanted to know if i wanted to drive out there with him to drop a present off. i said sure because i had nothing better to do. so it probably like around 3.

well we go to get her a gift, and 2 hours later were finaly leaving for he and her husbands house. we get there and are greated by her. she's nice. i went to her 50th bday party, but that was the last time i saw her.

next thing i know, i little rugrat runs out. well this kids name is Skyler. he's only 15 months old. he's living with his grandmom while his mother and father get some things worked out. if you ask me, he should just stay with his grandparents because his parents arent good for him. his dads a drug dealer and his moms a crack head. but, his grandparents are the nices people in the world. there well off money wise compaired to alot of people, and they give there doughter money all the time because she says she's gona use it to find a job. well she dosent. she buys harsh drugs. and her parents love her to much not to give her money for what they think is helping her. its a crull circle.

anyway, while my dad and his clients talked, i played with Skyler. sence hes young, he cant really talk. he knows words, but no sentences. he also uses a little sighn language. hes really a cute kid. i ran around with him for almost 45 minuets.

then we left and i got a text from Emily. she wanted to know if i wanted to hang out that night. i said sure but i'd have to be a little later. so we met up at a coffee shop at 845. then we left there prety quickly to meat up with another friend to go bowling. we did that till 945 then went to some pizza place for my dinner. they dident eat so it was kinda awkward, but idc. then we left and i went home. well i was staying at my moms because its alot closer to the bowling place. i find out that my mom gave my room away to my cousin whos visiting with her mom, dad, and brother. i hate my moms side of the family so i wasent too pleased, but it was fine. stayed up late talking to my aunt. then i went to bed.

Peace!

"the insane run the asylum" whats this from? iv heard it in a nofx song but is it from somthin else?

so, you guys may have known i had the say off today. early labor day. haha and some may also know i was up real late last night. 2:30 in fact. well i got up today at 12:30. called my Uncle. he wanted me to drive down to his house later on. he lives near my school. he said he had to run some airens and he'd call me when i should head over. well my friend txtd me and wanted to jam today. yeah, im in a band. forgot ot tell you guys haha. its a ska band. only practiced once so far. well i packed my drum set up, headed over to his house, put it back together, and got another phone call from my uncle. i left my friends house, and left my drums with him. we'll practice again before the weekends over.

i got on the highway and was supriced to see so much traphic going into the city at 4. its because a cop pulled somone over and everyone has to see whats going on now a day. got to his house and was greated by my cousins. ones 4 and the others 9. the 4 year old is a boy, and the 9 year old is a girl. haha the boy likes hitting everyone, so i got a head but on my hands, which were covering somthing up =P his heads right there. so when he hugs me, i gota cover them up too haha. the girl just likes me to pick her up. my uncle is a really cool guy. probably 37 or somthing like that. hes a big guy in the gut region. he dips 24/7. he even swallows. its kinda nasty, but i love the guy to death. he also drinks alot. not like an alchoholic, but when he knows he dosent have to drive, and his kids are eather asleep, or close to it, he'll go through 6 beers. well when i got there, i played lego starwars on there wii. the 4 year old cant really play, so i used one of the remotes and helped him out.

after that, we got ready, and went to a grilled cheese place. it was great. i had some sort of crap grilled cheese. loved it haha.

then we headed over into the city. there was a free concert. i dident know anyone, but i watched the kids and talked to my uncle. some of his friends were there too. he knew id watch his kids and id drive them all home, so he had a few beers. no biggy. i dident mind. and he was still a great parent. the boy come over crying once and he took care of it.

the concert was alright. it was a blues band. the highlight was talking to my uncle though. he was talking about college with me. he said for every hour of class i have in college, i should spend 2 hours studying. makes sence to me. 3 hours of class a day, 3-6 hours studying, then partying till i pass out haha. he also said he dident care if i drank, he even dident care if i smoked a little weed, but he told me never to do crack or meth. haha i had herd that before. he always tells me that. he was as big of a pot head as my dad. i knew that. he wasent fooling me =P

after the show, i drove them home, and stayed for a little. we got home at 10, and i left there house at 11. he took the kids upstairs and gave them showers. then i said good night and helped get them to sleep.

after that i went to the basement with my uncle and talked about the town i live in. he grew up there too, so he told me some ghost stories about it and stuff.

oh, he is married, but his wife, my aunt, was on a trip for somones wedding.

that was my night haha.

Peace!

PS, anyone know of any movies like beutiful thing? like younger coming of age gay films? thanks!

so i wanted to watch a movie tonight, so i did! everyone watch "Beutiful Thing" its a movie about 2 guys and there coming of age. great movie. i have a thing for english axcents, so it was even better for me =P

also wanted to say somthing else. why is it that when everyone else is gona, a hoodie easily takes there place?

i have a hoodie that i havent worn in a few months. probably sence i went through that depression stage. i cant wear it in public. its not my style. its baby blue with navy stripes. just a simple hoodie. a few peices of cloth and a zipper. that hoodie quickly replaces people in my life. i dont think thats good. i mean im not depressed again, or atleast i hope not. im not cutting, dont worry. i was just in a sad mood from parts of that movie.

everyones asleep now. they all have school tomorrow. i dont. early labor day thing. i cant text anyone because they wont respond. and yet, im ok with that because of my hoodie.

i dont know what the point of that was, i just wanted to say it. maybe it'll mean somthing later. we'll see

Peace

hey guys! wow feels like an eternity sence last time i posted. sorry about that. school just wheres so much out of me i have to take a nap, then i get up, eat, do homework, and sleep some more haha.

well dinner with my mom was weird tonight. i was anoyed with school, and my moms lack of inteligence just pissed me off. she has a habit of asking really dumb questions. she asked who was in my classes. well she know no one from my school. oh well, haha i have to live with her. i should be used to it by now =P

ill talk about school now. im in a learning disability program at my school, and we have our own teachers for it. they help us stay on track mostly. well the 2013 teacher (yes, the teacher stays with us for 4 years) left at the end of last year, so theres a new guy. i met him my first day back to school. hes a great guy. he graduated from my school in 04. hes about 23 or somthin. i talked to him for half an hour after my first day. we talked about alot of philosophy.

we talked about my faith, or lack there of. he said he knows where im coming from. i think i big portion of my athiesim is that i was forced into catholisim by my parents. he realized the same thing and went through a phase of athiesim. he said the reason he now believes in God is the univers has order. he explained that each galixy is set up fairly simularly. out galaxy have order, hence our ability to live. well he says that every thing that has order has a purpose. take a clock for example. it has obvious order, and an obvious purpose. well with that purpose, there was a creator. that creator makes order, and has a purpose in mind for that object. he said that sence we as humans have order, we have a purpose, and a creator.

it got me thinking. i dont believe it all, but im definatly thinking about it.

on another note, my friend, Megan, is trying to set me up with a guy. he's a year younger than me, bi, and has had a boy friend before. apparently he's seen my picture and thinks im cute. that makes me happy =)

Peace!!!

yeah... so i was talking to Sara when i went to the mall with her last night. she has been asking me if she could tell Patrick im gay. i finaly said sure. she told him and he said somthing like i never would have guessed he was gay. i guess thats good? haha

bout to go back to school... LAME! haha. oh well, it happens. i think ill get back into the habit of blogging when i get home from school. that'll be good. sorry i havent had much to say in a while. thanks for staying in my absence!

Peace!

yeah, i got school today. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! with a side of yuck! hold the blah!

so i dont actually have school today. im helping with the freshmen orientation thing. my school actually starts the 31st. but still! this is a sign my summers over! noooooooo!


ill let you guys know if i live.

PS i almost ran into a curb yesterday while staring at a guy. good thing i wasent that add when i took my drivers test.

Peace!

so this is my 200th POST!!!!!!!!! haha wow and 25 followers. i love semitry, or numbers.

so just finished theropy. it was good. got alot out. mostly about my family. dident come out to him yet, but u think thats comming. im definatly trusting him more.

well sorry this was a lame 200th post.

Peace!!!

oh God... i have SO much to talk about... and i have no idea where to start! haha

so i have another meeting with the theropist today. should be good. i think i wana tell him alot, but i doubt i actoualy will. atleast i want to though. i think thats a good sighn. i think it means im opening up to him. my problem now is do i actoualy want to tell him, or do i just want to tell sombody, and he's the only one that will listen. oh well, we'll see how it goes.

wow thats the only thing i can think to talk about right now... maybe i dont really have that much to talk about hahahaha

Peace!

this is a philosophical post. please enjoy =)

so i personaly think that the younger sibling wants to always be around there older sibling because of power. i think the younger wants to be the older at first, then surpas the older.

when your young, you see things like age, friends, and the ability to shut people out and preseve them as power. this seems not to stick in most people. i now look at power as things like money or fame, and im still young. i hope as an adoult my veiws will change again and ill be a little less greedy haha.

i always wanted to be around my sister when i was younger because she would always shut me out. she'd take her friend and go into her room to get away from me. also, whenever you see somthing your sister got, alot of parents would say, when your her age you will get one too.

by the way, im saying sister because i have a sister, im not sexist =P

i think that from this, if this is true, that we could derive that we as people have a natural thurst for power.

Peace!

hey guys, im sorry its been so long. i really wanted to make this a daily thing, but i hate how slow my computer is, and it makes me dread even starting it up. hopefully i will get my laptop fixed before school and then ill blog alot more. also, i really wana get back to ALL of you guys emails and comments. i plan to do so soon, but i figured this post was more important =P

so yes! i got my licens!!! well theres alot more to the story.

so i had to drive like 2 and a half hours to get to this place, because it was the only one that had an oppening soon. well we get like within 15 minuets of this place, and i see the damned flashing lights. yes, i got pulled over. im laughing because of the irony, my dads just quiet. i was going 86 in a 65! damn i was goin fast haha. dident even realize it.

well, i go, take my test, pass with close to flying colors. i guess practice does help haha. everynight i practiced parellel parking and finaly got the hang of it.

well after that, we saw my mom and sister on our way back. just so happens we were coming back the way they were leaving. my sister left for college today, so that why we saw her. it wasent planed or anything. actoualy, if we fallowed the plan, we shouldent have seen them, but my sistergps led them astrey haha.

ok, i gota go to my dads now. hope to get back to all of you soon!

Peace!!!!!

just passed!!! thanks for the wishes of luck haha. first place im goin is 7/11 for a slerpy!
Peace!

guys, i have so much to talk about, and i really wana blog about it all, but im just not in the mood right now. i hope you guys understand. ill be back soon.

just failed my test... bummer

hey guys, im still alive! sorry its been so long! iv just been getting migrains again and when im not with my friends im asleep haha. the girl i talked about before asked me out... told her i was grounded. ill cover that later. i kinda gota go now, but wish me luck on my drivers test tomorrow!!!!!!

Peace!!!

hey guys, sorry its been a while. iv been working. when i blog next, i have alot to talk about (concert, philosophies, ect.) hope to post soon.
Peace

hey guys, i got off work early today. there were no cars trying to get into my lot, so i told the dispatcher and she said we could all just come in. yay me!

sorry its been so long. for some reason i've been really tired lately and the last thing i wana do is get on the computer. i just like vegin out on the couch and watchen TV.

i have my 2nd theropy appointment today. im excited and scared at the same time. i hope to tell him im gay. idk if i want to, but itd probably be better to get it out into the open early.

im going to a concert tomorrow with Peter, and after we might go to a party at Patricks place. its gona be an amazing day. im so pumped.

so nothing has really happened in my life. it just boaring.

i think all and all lifes goin prety good. i dont want summer to end though!!!

oh, im getting my drivers licens in less than a week!!! that is if i pass haha.

ok, im gona go now. i think i exceeded the 20 minuet rule for library computers.

Peace!!!!!

no, i havent started again. im not telling my therapist unless it becomes an issue again. i understand you guys think i should, but its not somthing i like to talk about, and i know he'd focus on that, and maybe tell my parents.

if you guys have any questions i havent answered, please feel free to leave a comment or even email me.

Peace

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TMAN!!!!!!!! LOVE YOU U.T.!!!!!

ok, so this girl i work with, i think i mentioned her in the last post, who is my bosses doughter, likes me. she was talking to my sister and saying things like
"my parents wont let me date anyone more than 2 years older than me, but i think theyd be ok with your brother" (she thought i was 17)

or

"i think if a friend asked me out, i'd say yes"

and she texted me after work and asked if i was working tomorrow. i said no, and she said i should text her if im board tomorrow.

FML!!!

if she askes me out, and i say no, her dad (my BOSS) would hate me. and things at work would be awkward as hell.

if i say yes, im just playing her, id feel bad, id be a bad influence, and her dad could still hate me.



ill just try to ignore her until school starts back up and then im home free. i think she will work at this job again next year, but im hoping ill find another job.


oh yeah, im a parking attendent. i dont think i ever told you guys that haha

Peace!

ok, so im still here! haha sorry its been so long. so i think im finaly close to catching up on all of my sleep. im not gona make this too long of a post, i wana make sure i have things to catch you up on later. so yes, this will catch you guys up some, but not close to all the way.

so the night i snuck out. what can i say? im a kid. haha its almost my nature. and technocaly, i dident sneek out. i told my mom i might go see Sara when she gets back from the concert she was going to. and when i got home from Emily's, my mom was already asleep.

oh! Emily's! so i was put putting with Emily and a girl named Beth. i've always been a family friend of Beth. well when we finished put put, we went to a coffee shop. thats when both Emily and i had to tell her our secrets. Emily's is that shes not a virgin, and mine is that im gay. i couldent tell her myself, so i asked Emily to say it for me. she reacted normaly. she said shes fine with it. no biggy. well, later i learned that Beth had a crush on me. AWKWARD! haha

yeah, apparently im flirty with every girl? like my sister informed me im flirting with my bosses doughter? ok, so im prety sure i have social issues, because i dont even know how to flirt. im just messin around with her, like teasing her and stuff. never knew that was flirting.

ok so back to the story! got home, and walked a mile at 12:30 (curfew is like 12 or 11). i got there, passing like 3 parties, and it was only Sara and another girl, Jess. Jess just got dumped, and was being really bitchey. we were waiting outside for 20 minuets for Patrick and some of his friends. they actoualy walked to another county in search for one of there friends who was walking down to us. never saw them, so we went into Jess' house. then her mom walkes down, staired at me for a good 15 secounds, waves, and walkes back upstairs. again, AWKWARD! hahaha then Jess' dad texted her and told her i had 5 minuets to get out of his house... it was raining outside. i walked a mile home, in the rain, and sketched out because i got a text saying Patrick was picked up by the cops. i got home safe, and Patrick got a free ride home, and had to wake his parents up so they could talk to the cop. he dident really get in any trouble though. he texted me the next day. i asked if he was in trouble. he said he might be grounded, but then he's just sneek out some more... so... yeah.

well that was the sneek out story.

works goin well. it sucks, but atleast im gettin paid. ok, im gona get off the comp now.

Peace!!! ill answer emails eather right now, or later haha. oh and one more thing. i think im haning out with Peter tonight.

hey guys! i am alive. im sorry for not posting, iv just been pooped. i promis ill post soon. thanks for the pasience!

ok, so tonight was eventful. i gota make this a really quick one though. i have work tomorrow at 6:45... FML. its late here.

whats happened:
another person knows im gay
Patrick got caught out after curfew and is haveing his name scaned as i speek
i got kicked out of my friends house
im gona die tomorrow from lack of sleep.

gota go to bed now.

night! Peace!

hey guys, i read your comments. it was between replying to your comments now, and making this post quickly before i go. i chose the post, but i will reply to you comments ether tonight or tomorrow.

im about to go put put golfing with Emily, and another friend. then were going for ice cream or something after. then when i get home, i might be sneeking out to meet up with Sara and Patrick and another friend. should be a really fun night if everything goes according to plan.

Peace!!!

so i just got back home. the whole trip was a bit of a let down, but ill tell you why in the post.

so we hit lots of traffic, which wasent really that bad because we left late, so it just sounded like there was more traffic when we explained why we were late. then we have to wait out on the street to get into the base. oh i may have forgotten to mention this. we were staying on a base. i wont say what kind of base for personal reasons. after we got in, we went and had cocktails with the man who we were staying with's boss. that when i met Stan and Tyler, the man we were staying withs children. Stan is gay, and 18, while Tyler is straight, and 19 or 20. they both look really young though. so then we started eating. a chief from the base made salmon cakes (like mini crab cakes), chicken, ribs, and amazing shrimp. i dident eat much because i tend to be very shy when i meet new people, and i feel like im being judged if i grab a giant plait. they separated the table for the teens and adults. there was also a girl there who was 17. it was mainly Tyler talking the whole time, but i was ok with that. he was cute, but his brother was adorable.

so after that, we rushed to there quarters and got changed. i hate being rushed, it adds stress, and i was very rushed haha. but we got changed, and walked over to where the parade thing was being help. it really wasent a parade, in the sense of floats and things, but there was alot of marching. they had a great band. Tman, maybe you can explain this to me. how to you memorize music, keep on the beat, and march at the same time? and then march with like a slipped step? i would look like a fool if i tried it haha.

but my favorite part is watching all of the guys do that few sets where they march in place, and they look so in sink. they also do this gun show thing, where they flip guns and march and stuff. it was alot of fun.

after that, we went back to there quarters and talked until 12:30. then we went to out beds. do i was in the same room as Stan, the only problem was he goes to bed early, so its not like we talked at all. and i dident have any alone time with him because his brother or the girl were always there. i dident get to sleep until 2. haha just on a side note, Stan makes funny moaning sound like hes havin sex with his bed when he sleeps. its cute =)

then i woke up at 7:30. i dident get a very good sleep. everyone asked though, and i lied and said i had a great sleep haha. i texted my mom at like 8 and she told me to go to here room because its more comfortable and we could talk. the thing i dident know though is that when she said "we can talk" she meant you can talk to me while i fall back asleep. so then at like 9 everyone was ready and we went to this organic place for breakfast. i get an amazing Belgian waffle with fresh berries on top. it was to die for. and i tried to berries i never tried before, blueberries and raspberries. it also has strawberries and mulberries. then we said our good byes and were on out way.

my biggest regret was not telling Stan im gay. maybe ill friend him on Facebook and tell him on there.

Peace!

ok, so i forgot to tell you guys how my therapy session was (if you wana call it that haha). lets back track a little. i originally told my mom i wanted to go because of my anxiety. i still do, but i think i wana be able to talk to somone, in person, whos older and can give good advice on things i can do. i know i have my close girl friends for in person, and you guys for great advice, but i kinda wanted a mix ya know?

well i was really anxious up until he walked out. his name is Rob. for privacy thats all im sayin. well he took my mom and i in. we just talk for like 20 minuets about my past, and my mom and stuff. then my mom left. he asked more personal things about me, like if i played sports, if i had good friends, if i drank, if i drank alone, if i cut myself, things like that. i answered all but one question honestly. this is somthing i really hate to admit, but i figure it might help some really get to know me, and maybe i can help some other kids goen through this too.

when he asked me if i cut myself, i said no. i said no because, well, i hate admitting it, and i dont think its a problem anymore. when i was really depressed a few months ago (i think about Larry), i did cut self, but never to try and kill myself. it just helped me relieve stress. i cant really explain it. and i never cut deep, just an inch long scratch. i stoped after i felt happy again, maybe 3 weeks later. well i also cut a few days ago, but only one day, and im never doing it again. if i ever do it again while im in therapy, ill tell him i just started and get some help for it, because i dont think its a good habit.

well thats all that really happened. it was only for like 30 or 45 minuets.

i have to start packing tomorrow. im going to a parade in a city thats only an hour or so away. im going with my mom, and her friend, husband, and one son are comming to. the one son is 18. he just came out. maybe it'll be cool talking with him. i was suposed to sleep in the same room with him when my sister was comming, but now she's not so i might be sleeping with my mom. i really dont care what room i sleep in, but itd be cool to finaly tell a guy im gay, and see how much support he's been getting.

thats all for now. i leave you with a funny picture from one of thoes magazines from 20 years ago they have in doctors offices.

Peace!!!

and PS, that was really hard for me to admit so please no one be mad at me!

ok guys, so sence i've been neglecting the blog latley, im going to give you guys a movie (bottom)

thats me.

Peter's was fun. we dident really drive anywhere though, just around his neighborhood. then we parked and talked. i had to sneek in and out of his house through a window though. that wasent that fun haha. i did have a good time though.

sence then i havent really done anything. im finaly going to come back and be much more committed to my blog. im going to catch up on emails and comments first, then start posting regularly again.

sorry for my absence!

Peace!!!





EDIT: agreed with Tman. forgot bout the whole privacy thing. haha

ok guys, with all the drama going on lately, i've over looked some stuff. i've had over 10,000 views!!!!! wow! i never thought id get even half of that. i also now have 20 followers!!! Wow again!

so, i've been putting off posting. im finally happy, which is rare now a day for me. i know sooner or later ill screw this up. im trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

there will be a slight change. i will no longer be talking about marijuana or alcohol. thats to hopefully keep fighting down, and maybe it'll also slow my intake down. i think this shows that im... well not ashamed of doing this, but i feel the need to hide it, which tells me im not completely happy with it. so unless im telling you guys im taking a break from ether, or quitting ether for good, it will be out of sight and out of mind.

so now this should be a long post, or as long as my attention span will stay on the computer, and not the My Life On The D List (i love Kathy Griffin!!!).

today, im expecting to be happy for most of the day. i woke up at 2 in the afternoon. i worked out for 20 minuets. not long, but i figure im going to try this 3 day thing, where i work out different mussels for 3 day, and then take a day off to rest. so i realized i wouldent have to work out that long =) yay!!! haha
then i took a shower, and practiced my drumming.
later today, im going to my first therapy session. should be interesting. after that im spending the night at Peters. haha were sneaking out tonight and he knows these 2 girls who are gona drive us and hang. im pumped.

ok, my attention span has run out.

Peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey guys, you dont know how good it feels to come online and see some old friends, as well as some new ones, actually care about me.

i was sure i was going to close my blog today. i could only dwell on the bad things the blog has done for me. its made me do things i dont like to do to myself, that i thought i left in the past. its made me cry so much. but, i think its helped me change a little, in a very good way.

i've been treating my mom better, which i dont think would have happened without the blog. i've excepted myself. i've told people. i've gained confidence.

even if no more comes from this blog, the hope that more will come keeps me going.

im not closing. it may take me a night or 2 to do things like reply to emials, or comments, but its just a short break for me to think about how i can improve my life.

things to expect in the future: talking about my job, my sleep over with Andrew, and my sleepover with Peter tomorrow night.

i need to give you guys a special thanks for supporting me. you dont know how much it means.

Peace!!!

guys, i just dont know what to say. i feel like i need some support. too many people have given up on me. it happens too much. you'd think i'd learn to expect it.

i havent had time to process my feelings because i dont wana cry at work (yes today is my first day), and i hate crying in the middle of the day. tonight is going to be really bad for me... any support would make tonight better. thanks.

Peace

ok, so tonight Andrew is comin over and is spending the night at my house. he might try weed. i also tried to get somthing else to smoke. idk though. it should be fun. he's bringin his xbox over and call of duty. i hate playing games, but i love watchin people play so it should be even more fun haha.

i might update you guys later, or just post when he leaves.

Peace!!!

idk if i spelled the title as the last act or as in after waiting a long time. haha sorry.

just got back from the gym. my dad said he wanted to go before the festival, and its hot outside anyway, so we figured that could wait till the sun goes down. im sore from the gym though. thats kinda my goal when i do go, to remember i went the next day by feeling it haha.

i dont really have anything else to say.

Peace!!!

haha ok, so i came to a realization. i am such a slut haha. i dident want my blog to be like an XXX blog, but i kinda need to get this out. plz dont judge =)

i do not find Peter attractive at all, and yet, i still wana mess around with him if you know what i mean. probably because im a teen, but still.

also, Andrew just text's me and tell me he got head twice by some girl at the beach. damn i wish he was gay haha. im gelous of that girl =P

i also figured out i need to loose my V card to a girl soon so i can actoualy talk to guys and give them advice (like with Andrew).

alright, i gtg now. bout to go to some festival in the city. Peace!!!

so, 2 nights ago i went to the carnival with Sara. we had fun. haha we dident even go on any rides. we just walked around and talked. i think its fair to say she now knows everything about me haha. i hope thats good. i hope we can hang out more.

haha she even told me some stuff about her (and Patrick haha). like the time they role played, and i now know her fetish haha. its cool though, i think she trusts me.

there were 2 or 3 other people we were suposed to meet there, but when they showed up, we ditched them haha. i had only met them once so i really dident care, and Sara told me they were "fake friends". thats the one thing i dont like about Sara, she'd fake to alot of people. i trust she isent that way with me, but you could say shes the eppidimy of what i hate haha. well these "fake friends" apparently hate her, and she dosent like them back. i dont see why there friends, must be a girl thing haha.

Sara and i were sitting near one of the exits, and there were a group of older black kids walking out. not being racist, Sara is just not as comfortable around black guys as she is black girls. (she goes to an all girls school, and in our town, there are no black people so she hasent been exposed). well they asked her how old she was. she told them she was 15 (true). and they asked if i was her boyfriend. we both just laughed. she said i was her best friend. they asked if she wanted to be this one guys girlfriend. she said ok (joking around). they said can we have your number. she said no haha. they just walked off. it was kinda weird... but funny =)

also, word of advice, if you like the smell of unlit cigeretts (they smell like tea) and you mom keeps her lighter in the cigerett box thing, make sure you dont spark the lighter when you smelling it. all you can smell for the next day is burnt hair, of and it HURTS!!!! haha

Peace!!!

hey, just got back from the carnival. ill blog tomorrow or the next day. really tired now. peace!

my first night in the basement was a great sleep. yes, im all moved in. its great. haha im never hot at night anymore. nothing much else has happened. ill update you guys when it does.

Peace!!!

ok, so i took a long time to think. i've come to a conclusion. im gona keep my blog open (thanks Taylor!).

i dont know if everyone wants me to, or even still wants to read. i welcome everyone to continue!

guys, i gota ask a favor though, please dont try to force me to change somthing i dont want to change. i know you guys are doing it for me, but if i dont wana change, i dont want you guys waisting your time.

Tman, i am open to changing. look at the time i took off of smoking pot. i did it for 2 reasons, 1) to see if i could, and 2) to see if i liked it more. so i am open to change when i want to, it just so happens, i dont want to on some things.

if you guys want me to write about more philosophical stuff, i will. Tman had a good point, most people probably dont know to many of my philosophies. i failed you guys on that part.

one last favor, please dont call me a bad person, or judge me like that, and please dont bring up my involvment in my parents divorce. i know you may not have ment to Brian, and believe me, no hard feelings, but thats just a touchy subject.

i hope we can all get past the last 2 posts and get back to normal. thanks guys who are staying with me, and sorry guys like DJ who joined at a, well awkward time.

Peace and Love!!!


sorry for the repost of this video, i just think it fits in very nicely.

hey guys, just finished driving. i made it without crashing haha. ill check my comp when i get home. peace

ok, so obviously that last post was, well, interesting. im thinking about closing the blog. i never wanted to change that way i thought. it was really only to help me figure out if i was gay, and to get advice on certain things, never how i thought. go ahead, call me a child and say im running away from my problems. well to me, there not problems. no hard feelings guys. i havent decided for sure that im gona, but i might as early as tonight. i love you guys, no matter what i say. i really do. if you guys wana keep in touch after i posibly close the blog, write down my email.

if you guys still wana talk about the last post, please tell me things like:
a) how my parents are controlling my emotions
b) what im saying that makes me sound so childish
c) idk anything else haha

Peace guys

i dont know what exactly im writing this time. i know the subject i want to write about, i just dont have it planned out like i normally do. so sorry if you get lost in this madness.

ill start off with what i said id address. so im sure most of you know about the lip ring. DJ, our newest follower, you might wana read bout it 2 post ago i believe. well i dont want it for looks. honestly, i dont think i could pull it off. i'd have alot of fun tryin to, but that wouldent be my purpose. no, my purpose would be to test my mom. my mom, as much as i love her, has never been able to control me. she may think she can, but no, she cant. i am... well, manipulative. i make her think shes in control by slightly disobeying her, then pretending her threats scare me, and going along with what she says. little does she know, she has nothing over me.

last time i was punished, i got a time out. i wana say i was 6. well, atleast last time i was punished by my parents. i then "shaped up" until my parents divorce. i then started coming back out of my shell. i would i to take credit for that, but i cant. haha that was all puberty i guess, mixed with my sisters new found friendship.

i started drinking then, you guys know that story, then smoking cigars, then cigs, and now weed. they both know i drink. i left things out one night, but not making them obvious, to see if my mom could actually but 2 and 2 together. she did. i wanted to know what my punishment would be. it was a talking to. thats it.

she found a corona bottle under my bed. background info:i was gettin rid of my cans, while talking to my sis, and asked if she had anything i could through out for her. she said yeah, a corona bottle, i went, found it, through it out, and that was that. well, the next weekend, i was drinking, had a few coronas, then hid them under my bed. mom found them, and i said they were my sisters. my mom dosent care that my sister drinks cuz at that points, she was already in college. they talked, and somehow my mom never mentioned there were more than 1 bottle, so my sister to the fall for that one.

well point is, my mom cant punish me. she knows im home alone during the day. she knows my dad pays for my phone. even if she got my dad on her side, they know theyd be screwed if i dident have my phone cuz thats what they use to contact me. i payed for my own computer. if my mom kicks me out, i go live with my dad, and same vise versa. my mom ownes my car, but shed be screwed if i dident have that. i wouldent be able to get to school. shed have to drive me every day.

sorry this was a, well, admitably lame post. i guess talking about control will only create controversy. geez dont kill me in your comments guys haha im bad, but im not mean. i dont hurt other people. oh and dont even say im hurting my parents.

Peace!!!

haha hey guys, gota make this post quick because i have to leave in 20 minuets. my sister and i are going to pick my cousin up from a college, where she's taking a soccer camp, and going when school starts back up, and taking her down town, then going to a late lunch with my mom. it might be fun. probably not. then after the lunch, my sister is leaving, and i have to go to the airport with my mom to drop my cousin off there.

but hey, at least this will get my mind off driving. remember how i told you i just couldent do my last one, so i rescheduled, well this one i cant get out of, so im kinda stressing. i HATE it... but thats life right?

Peace!!!


somehow, i will manage to pull this off tomorrow.

haha ill start with last night. so my mom picked me up, and we went to a Japanese stake house place where they cook the food right in front of you. we both love the food. it was fun. i told my mom how Celie is trying to convince me to get a lip ring, and she said if i came home with one, she'd kick me out. i think i might see if she actually will. i have freckles under my lip where snake bites (a lover lip piercing on each side) would go, so ill just get one on the freckle and there'll be no scar when school starts.

well this day has been quite weird. i woke up, watched skins, haha season 3, went downstairs to find out my dog broke a light bulb. cleaned that up, then texted Celie and Megan, just saying hey. no reply. i continued watching skins. then i texted Sara and said "hey, ill stop bothering you. just text me if you ever wana hang" no reply. dosent it feel great having no friends? haha

Peace

tonight was good i think. i played Risk with my dad (BTW, best game ever!!!), then he made me a cheese burger, and took me home. i got home, and hung out with Megan. we talked about her boy friend and things like that. not much has changed sence i told her i was gay. or atleast not at that point in the night.

after that, i came home and hung out and talked to my mom for 45 minuets. i had a sort of small anxiety/panic attack. i really cant explain it. i was suposed to go driving for drivers edd tomorrow, thursday, and friday, but i just told my mom i couldent. i dont know why, but i just cant. no real way to explain it. its my anxiety. this only happened a few time before, but my mom understood. the good thing is this time it could be fixed, unlike the other times. my moms gona call tomorrow and reschedule it for after i meat with a psychologist or psychiatrist, or who ever can give me anxiety meds.

speaking of which, my mom started me tonight on a very small dose of anxiety meds. she asked her doctor who gave her the go ahead for me. i really hope it helps. its just so debilitating sometimes and i hate it. it makes me even more frustrated when i cant explain it.

now im talking to Megan and she's telling me how stressed she is and that she cant talk. i just told her about what i did with Peter, and somthing with another guy, and she dident reply. i sent her a message saying "no reply?" and thats when she said she was stressed.

Peace!

alright, so my last post got 0 comments, first time in a while, so im posting somthing i wana hear you oppinion about.

are we products of our environment?

i say yea, but its not that simple. i think genetics also has alot to do with it. i think our genetic make up decides how seceptible we are to curtain things, like our environment (whats absent, and in excess).

i dont know why i am gay, and im not blaming my parents, or the house that i grew up in, but i always wonder if that could be part of it. i also dont think i was "born gay." i think i was born more seceptible to a homosexual influence, and i think my interpretation of thoes influences is what made me gay. i was not born gay because if you look at me as a child, yes, i'll admit, i used to like to play with my neighbors barbies, but not because i liked fasion, but because of the type of imagination i have. sorry straid from the sentence. i was not born gay because i thought girls were prety, i likes masculin things, and at that age, i was a "normal" straight boy.

i could be gay because i was always looking up to my sister, and she was always saying boys were cute, and had a wall full of photos of guys. maybe i was trying to emulate her, and because of that, im gay.

ill never know why im gay, and to be honnest, i dont ever want to know, all i know is im happy being gay, and it is who i am.

Peace!

PS Tman, if your reading this, im honestaly sorry if i make you feel like your efforts are pointless, and if i took all of your motivation and fun out of blogging. plz come back!!!

ok guys, so last night i was on Facebook with Celie when she was at her friends house. this friend, Asa, used to go to Celie and i's school. she transferred in like 6th grade. Celies kept in touch, but i really havent except for the occasional text. well me and Celie were talking about cute guys, and Asa saw. she asked Celie bout it, and Celie askd me what she should say. i told her i really dont care if she knows, but make sure she wont tell. Asa's brother and cousin go to my school and if they found out, well think about it, gay at an all guys school. lest just say my life would be screwed.

im about to go to my dads, so i dont know when the next time ill post will be, but ill try and post soon.

Peace!

ok, so last night was... well we'll call it interesting. i was watching skins until maybe 1 or 1:30 AM. i finished season 1. during the last episode, everyone was smoking, and well, it made me wana smoke, so i did.

i went outside and finished my last black and mild. when i say last, i dont mean im gona stop, i mean finished that last one i had on me. only got maybe 8-12 puffs, so there wasent much. but while i was smoking, i got really lonely feeling. not because of the tobacco, but because i watch shows with gay guys on them, like skins, or degrassi, and they always seem to find other gay guys, and they have straight guys as friends too. i only know one openly gay person in my town, and hes goen off to college, so im alone in this town...

when i got lonely, i texted everyone. Celie, Emily, Megan, and Sara. no one replied... then, when i went to get rid of the filter, Celie textd me back. i told her i was lonely, and just wanted to talk. she is always comforting, saying things like baby, hun, and stuff like u shouldnt have to feel this pain. it normally helps.

well we were talking, and i told her how i wanted to tell Peter im gay. she supported me, but understood when i said i wasent going to because he is one of my closest guy friends. but i also told her about my moms disappointment in somthing i dident even choose, my sexuality. i probably cried for 30 minuets outside. i finaly stoped when i heard the bats churping, or whatever sound they make. it really calmed me down. i dont know why, but i just stoped crying.

i came back in at like 2 and went to bed. that was my weird break downish night.

i also talked to my mom last night about me moving into the basment because its A) colder at night (which i need), and B) bigger. she really liked the idea, and said we could do it in 2 weeks when she has some free time. im excited because the work out equipment is down there along with my drum set, and some couches and a TV. im hoping ill wake up, look at the tredmil, and wana run in the morning. then practice my drums, and relax, all in my room haha.

Peace!

PS this is my dog, Scooter. he's a West highland white terrior. he's 9 i think. sorry he looks scruffy, we need to get him groomed.

alright, so i have to confess, i have a new obsession with the British show Skins. its almost like an English version of degrassi if anyones familiar. Mark, maybe you've heard of this show? or anyone else here whos from England? idk, all i know is theres a gay character named Maxxie, who i LOVE. and he hooks up with, and kinda sorta gets head from another adorable guy Tony. awesome show! check it out if you can. just google "skins online free"

Guy who plays Maxxie