Philosophies From A Kid

ok, so today was odd. it was the last dat for the seniors because they get to leave early if they get an internship (which most, if not all, do) so of course there were pranks all day. they put nombs (or knombs or whatever) all over the school, stink bombs in all the floors, and trashed all the bathrooms. it kinda set me off because when im taking a test, i go into a mode where all i want to do is finish that test, and get a great grade on it. i cant handle things going on around me, and sence the seniors beaicaly couldent get in trouble, they were shouting, and all the other grades joined in. i couldent take that all day. and if that wasent enough, where i take my test (a special center for add/adhd/dyslexic/disgraphic kids) there were 5 other kids i knew well, and was helping cheat.

so to clarify, theres shouting all around me, i have a math test in front of me, and kids around me need my help for math, english, and world civ tests. it was waaaaay to much stress for me to handle. so, like i always do, i supressed my stress, and tried to do it all. i basicaly did as much as i could until a teacher rescued me, and yelled at people for talking in the testing center. i was so relieved!!!

then i finished my test, and was walking out of the testing center, and, well, broke down. i closed up, and showed people only anger, and almost started balling my eyes out. i havent cried in probably 3 years. it was so strange to me. i really cant explain it. sorry, my mind went blank again.

i cant remember anything. i think i must have add or somthing. ok well Peace!!! =)

idk what to name this post, so i went with the obvious.

its really sad to see Andy is leaving blogger. i wish i found blogger earlier to enjoy people like Andy, or Tadpole. its a bit of a shame that im a "late bloomer"

well im gona talk about my "silent protests"
ok, so im in a Catholic school, and we pray before every class, along with the pledge of aligence when school starts. well i dont consider myself Catholic, so i dont pray for two reasons, 1) out of respect for "real" Catholics, and 2) because in my beliefs, its a waist of time for me.

in one class of 3, my teacher called me out for it. i told him i dident believe in God, which he knew because its suck a small class, and its really more of a study hall because all we do is catch up on out work.

also, i dont say the pledge of aligence (sorry i dont know if that suposed to be in caps or not). alright, this will sound bad, but believe me, im no terrorist, and i love the USA, i really do!!! i also love our freedoms and respect everyone who fought and or died for us!!! look, i just dont believe that the government should force us to "Pledge" our "Aligence." if anything, thats more to insult the Government than anyone.

well the same teacher called me out for that too, and said that i was a "typical 16 year old." alright, i do not deny my silent protests. yes, i am silently and peacfuly rebeling. the thing is, its not because it a "cool thing to do" i actoualy believe in it. i should not have to take shit for my beliefs.

this brings me too another point, is my homosexuality just a teenage anxt rebel? look, i find guys cute, and i realy do like them, but i cant imagine having sex with one if that makes sence. i dont like things in a one way hole. i dont think it could be a rebel because i really do like how guys look. idk

also, should i put an over 18 thing on my blog? i dont think i want to, but i do cuss. could they close my blog because of cursing? also, i want somone around my age reading too, and im not 18. idk just comment and make me happy =) =P
Peace!!!

i fucking hate you. you always put so much pressure on me to be perfect, and straight.

mom, your preppyness make me want to puke. there is badness in the world. learn it! grow up. your not a kid. take some fucking responcibility for you fucked up family. stop puting shit off, like doctors appointments. i have to tell you 6 months before i even get sick to just get an appointment. thats crazy! sence dads not at the house anymore, dosent mean you can just let it go! you still have to clean, do laundry, and the the yard atleast looking like there are still people in this house! i dont think you realize how much the things you say to me affect me. "its such a relief your not gay" WTF!?!? you dont even fucking know your own son!!!!!!!! stop getting drunk every fucking night. its anoying to have to watch you. you say shit you should never say to me. i dont want to hear about how the love of your life left you!!! he was a temperair boyfriend to make you feel loved. its not like you 2 were that serious!!!! i take back what i said earlier, get drunk and leave me alone.

dad, your no better. you expect my room to look spotless. look, when i am at your house, thats an imposible expectation. get over mom. she's not in love with you. why do you obses over your kids? you dont have to call me every day. your obsesion over apperance gave me so much anxiety every time i walk out of my house, or even when i go to school. your so fucking judgmental. you have judged me my whole life. ill never forget you pushing my sister against a wall, or you making my mom cry so many fucking nights. do you realize i would go to bed early in hopes i wouldent have to hear you guys fight? i though maybe sence im in my bed ill fall asleep and get a break for once, well nope. i heard every single "fuck you" and "stupid fucking cunt" you ever uttered. you even drove me to tears. no wonder my mom left your ass.

FUCK YOU BOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






alright, sorry i needed to get that out. look, my parents arent always as bad as i make them seem. i needed this to get all my anger toward them out. ill never let them see this, dont worry. ok, im gona go calm down some how. Peace!!!

ok, so no, i dident smoke today. the day just had a lot to do with weed. i was talking to oliver today. he just bought some weed. we talked for like 20 minuets about smoking and drug tests. he's about to fail one haha. then i was talking to a really cute guy (who always asks me about smoking sence he hasent done it yet) is going to an after prom party. im freakin jelous as anything.
wow... i think that all. my day was boaring haha

so i talked to Sara lastnight and were goen to the mall in 2 weeks to talk and shop. i prety pumped.

ok well thats all i can think of right now. i might post again later. Peace!!!

i still cant why anyone would want to have an open casket veiwing. ill tell you guys a story aboutone of my aunts.

my aunt and my grandmother got in a fight when i was 3 over a picture. my aunt dident know everyone was suposed to wear white shirts and jeans. my family is big, and it was the first time the whole family would be in the same picture in a while. it really wasent a huge deal because other people had extras, and it all worked out, but my grandmother is very... well mean, and when my aunt sugested that my grandmother hadent comunicated enough with them, my grandmother wouldent have it. they got in a huge argument, and right after the picture, they left.

that was the last time a saw her for 10 years. i dont even remember it well. i only saw my aunt in pictures.

then, when i was 13, she developed cancer. it was very bad. the only good thing (and believe me theres no good things about cancer) was that it brought the family back together. i got a solid 3 weeks one summer with her, which was more time then i had ever been with her.

then, maybe a month after, my mom got a call from my uncle (this aunts husband)saying it wasent good, and that they were calling the family in. that night, my mom told me to pack up and be ready to leave for the air port in the morning. they live 20 hours in the car away, and we couldent drive there. i did what she said, and dident ask why because we all knew the reason.

we got there the next day, and she was gone. we spent some time at my uncles house, then went to a hotel. it was fun for us kids because the hotel had a pool, but we couldent forget why we were there.

2 days later, we went to the viewing. i dident cry because i really only knew her for 3 weeks. i hated the viewing though. i've only ever had 2 imaged scared into my brain, and that was one of them. i walked up to the casket, and there she was, puffy from the medicines. thats all i remember from my aunt. i know i had fun with her for thoes 3 weeks, but that image is too much.

that is why i dont understand open casket viewings. wouldent people want to remember the times they spent with the person alive? it makes no sence to me. Peace!

just got a new laptop! damn, i got a lot done today!

ok, so i got up this morning, took a shower, got ready for the day, then went to drum lessons. i really enjoy lessons because i am deffinatly improving. the thing is, im really bad at expressing anything that people will judge. like art. i hated that class because no matter how comfortable with the people i am, my work is always very reserved. i have drawn things that look like me, like what i would do if i was mor outgoing, but then i shred them so noone can judge the real me. its really bad, and i want to get on some sort of medicine because of that and anxiety.idk if or when i will, but my whole family is on meds so i feel its just a matter of time.

well gettin back to drums, my teacher is really cool, and told me to just play around. i told him i couldent. he said he dident care if it sounded good or bad, just to use flams (a type of pattern to hit your sticks in)and i litteraly just played flams. he told me to use the toms and cymbals. i just did the bare minimum. it was bad. he told me to practice that and be ready to be put on the spot next week. i still wont be ready. then we just pratcised some more and it was time to go.

my mom and i went out for beagles. i got a plain and an egg sunflower. it was really good! i think my mom got cynamin reaisen which she liked too.

then we went to old navy. as you probably saw, there were some cute guys there, and one in particular. i was with my mom, and im shy, so i dident say anything, but he was adorable.

the picture at the top is 2 of the 4 things i got, the hoody and the jeans. probably not gona wear eather for a while, but it'll be good for the fall. i also got 2 pairs of shorts for $15 each. great sale haha. i normaly hate shopping, but i think im starting to enjoy it. now it really pisses me off when i go and get nothing, like normaly, but when im with my mom, she always makes me get a few things. i need to go to holister with Sara soon. maybe in 2 weeks we'll go.

btw, my face dosent normaly look black haha, its just for privecy issues. Peace!!!

PS first time i've uploaded a pic of myself besides the group pic from spring break (the trip).



PSS i just got 2 pairs of shoes!!! i've needed new ones for like a year and i finaly got them... well ordered them. they should come in 7-10 days. they look like this:





you gota love the clasic chucks!!!

cute guys at old navy. thanks u mystical being that i dont believe in