ok, so i was up late last night thinking, and talking to Emily. she was complaining about boys until i bothered her with my troubles. i figured out last night that i can never really come out. i never want my parents to know, especial my mom, and most of my friends would never talk to me again. it would suck. she said life with 3 real friends (the 3 people outside my family that know) would be better than a life full of fake friends. i see what she's saying, but i dont want a day of my life to be spent with just 3 friends. yea, i would open the door wider to the posibility of finding a guy, but i would completly shut all of the other doors.
i also realized that the disapointment i would bring my mom is alot different then most kids. mine would never go away. most peoples are one choice, mines a lifestyle. i hope she never finds out.
Peace!
PS im goin to the beach tomorrow, so ill try and get one more post in tonight, but idk if that will happen. idk if ill be able to get on the internet at the beach, its always touchy, so ill try and do some posts from my phone if i cant get on a computer
And So It Goes (2014)
9 years ago
7 comments:
Hey kid... You have been thinking about this a lot, I can tell... Noone can make this decision for you- all we can do is offer opinions, and provide support...
I feel bad, that you are taking the same course that I did, at your age... I was hoping that because we supposedly live in a different atmosphere than I did, growing up, that you would feel more support from your family than I have... It makes me sad, really... BUT, I completely understand where you're coming from, at this point in your life. I have always told the kids that I advise on this, that the most important thing is to secure your immediate safety and surroundings... There are still far too many parents that seem to think that gay kids are disposable. If you don't feel COMPLETELY safe in your surroundings, or, are very young, and still dependent on your parents for your daily survival and well being, you must think this through, VERY carefully... I wouldn't recommend that a kid come out, to anyone, until he feels safe... A young guy, or girl, has a whole life ahead, and plenty of opportunities in that life, to come out, to whoever they feel comfortable with...when they're ready!!
I will take issue with one thing that you said, tho, Peter.... more of a question, really... Why do you feel that you would lose so many friends?? Are you hanging with kids that are homophobic?? If you are, that needs to stop... That kind of dynamic is very bad and depressing for you- a constant reminder that you are not free to be who you need to be, and a constant struggle of lying and remembering the lies, so that you're not outed by your own words... That, can make a guy sick... physically and mentally. You have a right to feel safe with the people that you hang around... if you don't- lose them, QUICKLY... luv, tman<3 hugs2!
I totally understand that now is not the time, where you are is not the place, but sooner or later you will have to be honest with yourself.
I've known too many guys who hid their inner feelings, got married and tried with all their heart and soul to make it work. But it doesn't. It might take 5, 10 or 20 years or more, but eventually it comes undone. In a way that is full of hurt for everyone involved.
I grew up with a father whose faith would never let him accept me, in a town which didn't let gays live in peace. So my freedom came form moving to the big city, in my case to go to College. New friends, and the distance from my hometown gave me the chance to come out, and I've never looked back.
OMG, I been looking at your site a while and reading and finally just figured out how to post here. I keep looking at the end of all them for a comment place but could never find any so I thought you didn't want comments. You tricky one, I see it is at start now.
Sorry it took so long to make a comment but I didn't think I could. I know how to do it now. Really like your site to. I don't know if you chat or not but you can tell me your chat addy and I will add you to mine. Just tell me in my comments. It moderated so no one but me will see it. If you don't chat that's cool to. Hugs JJ
Hey JJ... I'm happy that you unlocked the secret door!! Peter is a tricky type... He likes to freak me out, and then see my reaction... I'm glad you found out how to comment here- any help and insight that a young guy can give is very useful--- after all, you are the guys in the middle of the fight, right now... at least, for the most part. I can't wait to read your straight talk, JJ wisdom !! Only one suggestion, kid... When you come here, put your safety belt on- the ride can be crazy wild, sometimes!! ; D luv, tman<3
Hi there, Spys
I'm back from holiday, and catching up with all the blog posts while I've been away.
I can understand how you feel now, and why you don't want to come out to the people around you, especially your parents.
But you won't always be where you are now, or at least you don't have to be there. Once you reach 18, a lot of doors open up: you have much more freedom to move to places where people will accept you, and you can make friends for whom your sexuality is not an issue. But you may be underestimating your current friends: I would think that quite a lot more of them would accept you coming out to them. That's not to say that you should tell all of them right now, of course.
Your mother may be disappointed by your being gay, but, in my view, that's just something she will have to come to terms with. I can understand that you want to shield her from this knowledge, but I don't think it's worth warping your whole life to do it.
In short: I can understand that you feel trapped right now. But your life won't always be like it is now, and you have to hold on to your hopes and dreams until you can make them real.
*hugs*
Mark
Hi there, Spys
As a follow-up to my last comment, I suggest you read this new post, My message to you, by Taylor of a pilot living two lives. He's said a lot of the things I wanted to, but much better.
*hugs*
Mark
I know how you feel about doors closing. I worry most about my family. My mother has passed away, but I think she'd have been ok with me. Dad on the other hand, wouldn't have been, and won't be now if I were to open the closet door. I guess an octogenarian can be however he wants. I love him, but he can be a real bigot sometimes.
As for friends, in high school it would have been tough. Things like sexuality weren't talked about much back then, unless someone got "in your face" about it, and then they were basically shunned as much as possible. They sure didn't show up at any of the cool parties.
So go slowly. I've seen blogs by guys like you that had good experiences and bad. You've got a lot of strong support here, and at least you don't have to hide for 3 of your friends (that's 3 more than I don't have to hide for), so it's not like you need to rush the idea. I still think finding a PFLAG chapter or some other support group may help you understand the ramifications...
(Def not as profound as Tman, but I hope as supportive.)
Jay
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